New Blog!!!!

flyingparasol.blogspot.com

and yet more rambling

Ill be soon headin up and away from this beautiful place known as san diego.
Ive got a couple of weeks to hang around my home town. I think ive been
away too long honestly. I love the few friends ive managed to keep in
touch with.. but honestly I have no intention of ever moving back. Theres
too much of a feeling of stagnant atmosphere which I fear will suck me in.
I guess I'm comfortable with the idea of getting on jet planes and flying
hundreds or thousands of miles away because Im running and staying
as far away as i can from that feeling. Somehow, running doesn't feel like
a bad thing. Anyone who knows me can tell that moving was the best
decision Ive ever made for myself.

I made a new home for myself in SD but I feel like I shouldn't be here for too long.
I recently feel like a refugee in this place I live.. not working, just managing to get by
chillin and hangin with whoever doing whatever you can do in this town.
Its not a feeling of stagnation, but a calling of something else. My relationship
with God has grown despite all of the stupid things I do. Maybe Japan is it.
Thats where the real butt kicking, self-discovering and personal/ spiritual growth
will hit me. Of course it is, but im being sarcastic. I can't believe in
half of the things I say.. but I guess its true for me, that not every part of
me is at peace with everything in my life. If you ask me, I am by no means
ready to go anywhere, but I have to. If I don't I would be stuck in one more year of
school still burned out from the last.

What I hope to find in the next few weeks... is peace in what im about to do with my life for
the next year and the passion I once had with languages before school killed it.

ramblerambleramble

Je ne sais pas qu'est-ce que c'est mais je voudrais écrive en français au moment. Probablement je vais au Québec après mon voyage au Japon. Apres que j'ai vu le film Inglourious Basterds je sente parler en Français. Parce-que il y a beaucoup d'Allemagne et Français. A l'avenir j'espère que ja vais trouver mon passion pour les langues étrangères. Au moment je besoin d'étudier le japonais mais les kanjis sont très difficile a souvenir. Mon Dieu, ce langue est plus facile que japonais.

Getting Paid

So... of the five scholarships I applied to, I got one. But the great news is that it was the biggest one too. In order to do my part though, I need to make a new blog... one thats kinda geared towards helping students who in the future plan to study abroad at the same school that I will be going to..
I basically need to make an online journal with writing and videos in both Japanese and English. I really should get on it asap. But i cant come up with a cool name for the new blog... any ideas?

umm... right

Well, Im guessing the possibilities are infinite.
For what? Im not quite sure.
The biggest incentive which anchored me to
my coffee shop job at Peet's is gone.
And ive been over that place for a while now.
Summer school is now out of the question.
There are possibilities for more exciting places to work,
but ive also got places to be and people to see.
Plus... this is the first summer in years that
I will be going into not depressed, apathetic or angry.
Its so good that its weird.
Ive got 4 months to live like ive never lived before,
then I take off for Japan.
I dont know what is in store for me this time around, but
dear God, please let this one be different.



so ill take it slow. (for now)

Missing something

I think one of the major things I'll miss when I move abroad will be this house I live in. Ill miss my roomates, the random people that show up and are in and out of the house... Ill miss all the good times and all the growing pains. Theres a whole lot to live for and I know I just don't quite get it yet. I can't express myself even when I'm alone in a way i would like to. Lyrical eloquence isn't something I was gifted with, but because of that, other people's words have a way of reaching me better than I can describe. Basically what Im trying to say is im falling in love. With what im not exactly too sure... I want it to be God. But in reality, i find myself falling in love with Ideas, shapes and combinations of words.. Whenever I feel lonely or wanting someones attention, I realize its possible that God wants this same attention. Yet I fail so bad when it comes to reading his word. All I want is to walk and talk with him who created me. I feel a little lost, a little depressed because I cant woo him or pursue him in ways I wish I could. I cant even write one simple song in his honor. But I know he loves me and right now thats all I need to know. its 242 am and I need sleep now! but first... i need to finish some homework. peace.

Ahh. after a long time of waiting... there is even more waiting to be done! But at least now I have some sort of idea about my possible future home.









YAY!!!

Summer is Over!!

Wow, its been 3 whole months since last wrote anything here. Life is different now and more interesting than ever. I suppose ill just leave this to a few random notes on life.. but first, what did I learn this summer?

Love, its our greatest commandment, but its the most enjoyable. While I didn't work at any church or get involved in any organization sort of deal, my ministry was and is the people I work with and socialize with outside of the AGO circle. While God allowed me to enter into the lives of all those people I love and care about, he also taught me something very valuable through these people. "Reality check." I remembered that Jesus was the one who went after those that were different, vile, unwanted or secular. Not those that were trying to live self-righteously. For those of you who actually take the time to read this, thank you! I want to encourage every one of you believers to strive to go beyond having a christian bubble this semester. We need to be friends with non-believers just as much as they need Christ! While some of us may get the idea that were doing our secular friends a favor by being a good influence, keep in mind that we need them as much as they need us. For my self, I do what I can to be an example, but they are also my reality check. God is our ultimate authority in all of our struggles between self-righteousness and the secular life. It is unfortunate that the image of christianity is not very appealing, but with love, we can still show the image of Christ to others.

well, i would post more but its almost 3am. Bye.

Ps: Lets not isolate ourselves and end up grumpy bears.

Summer is here!

Life busy and its all crazy again!
I started summer school Monday and starting next week ill be working at least 30 hours a week. On top of running 4 times a week and trying to maintain a social life surpassing that of last semester its already been a ride and its only going to get crazier if not more interesting. Theres been some garbage in the last few weeks to get past, but who doesn't have to deal with that? anywhoo, im freaking tired. Love one another and be kind to each other.
Hang out with your friends and turn off your phones. spending quality time with the people you are with is far more important than answering phone calls or responding to text if the people that matter are right in front of you.

Remember to first stay close to God.
its always hard to apply..

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all that you do and he will direct your paths." -Prov. 3: 5-6

Memory Verse

Psalm 61: 1-4

"O God, Listen to my cry!

Hear my prayer!
From the ends of the earth,
I will cry to you for help,
for my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot
reach me.
Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!"

Recently Ive felt like a shipwreck. Sometimes even the smallest things cause the biggest disappointments. Things that shouldn't really even matter count too much. Then I remember how much I've forgotten to be filled by God. Only he can fill me and nothing else. Sometimes all the other junk no matter how good it seems, has to be cut out for the sake of nurturing that strong relationship with him. We'll ultimately find disappointment's and discontent in the people and things we trust in this world, but its taken me 23 years to finally realize, God is it. There is nothing else that can take his place and nothing ever will fill me until the day he decides otherwise. Until then.. I can do anything he wills me to.

whooo hooo

Ive been slacking at putting up a new post, but when your living away from your apartment due to serious jackhammering and plumbing renovations... that may keep me away from my own blogging place for a few days. Tonight I am going to be spending the first night in my apartment since over a week and a half ago. Thank goodness that God has blessed AGO with a house that hobos such as myself can crash. hm.. theres novels I could write about things that have happened since then, but putting it all down would take forever. Im just glad I have God to run to when life is shakey. Yesterday I was thinking about "let that be enough" from Switchfoot. I remembered how broken i've felt and how much I need God to fill me up and nothing else. Anyways, I need to get to bed because something crazy starts in less than 10 hours. Hoowaaa!

red eyes... and a sigh in my expression.

I guess im moving into AGO early. If you walk up to my appartment all youll see my bathtub outside across from my front door right next to the sink and the toilet. Theres plastic lining all over the carpet leading to what used to be the bathroom.. I guess pipeing hasnt even been reached with an entire day of broken walls and jack hammering. we have no running water and our fridge is freezing all of our food. on top of that.. this has been the case for a week.. its only official that conditions are unlivable since jackhammering started. our landlords havent even offered any other place to stay... we dont have a freaking toilet. So ive come to the realization that this is the exact situation I need to get me out of the lease asap.. it just depends how cooperative the landlord will be... there shouldnt be a fine i would hope because after all.. theres no point in living there anymore. i wont even write a check for the rent due in a few days.

if all goes well. ill be living out of my car. and sleeping at the house for the next month. yay.

In other news. running a kids carnival in Tecate wasn't so bad. I wish i could speak Spanish though. Lots of cute kids..they even have better otter pops than we do. The food at los panchos taqueria is ok.. funny how me and Metro were willing to eat there. but i wont even eat at senor panchos back in the states.

Anyways AGO banquet on friday was awesome.. much thanks to all of the seniors and just everyone for being awesome. Chops has a beautiful mustache and I want that monacle. Hangning out with all the other guys who didn't get asked to ADX banquet was cool.. Corvette diner.... what can I say? anyway im up too late.. way too late and i really should work on my paper but i am a procrastinator. I love all of you. and thank you Shox. Im using our computer andyour not even here.

How to trick yourself into thinking its later than it really is.

I think i've figured out how to make my body think its alot later in the day than it really is...or in a good way, think that its not as early as normal. I woke up this morning at 7:15 after going to sleep at 2am. I woke up just for the sole purpose of moving my car from the parking lot next to my apartment to the spot actually for the apartment. and then i had some cereal and OJ. I reset my alarm settings so i could just lay there and hit the snooze button every 15 min.. eventually by 9.. i had to force myself to get up and eat again. Now as I type this.. it feels like its 12pm but its really 9.

It feels horrible because i feel like i will not stop at anything to procrastinate from working on my paper. But then again. it feels good to be awake this early and not feel like im going to collapse.

ahhh.

College student madness

Yay!!

Being a natural procrastinator is not good for me. After having a taste of summer, spring break just made the remainder of school even more unbearable. I've got assignments to do, articles to read and papers to write.. most of which I should've done over a week ago. I missed two online quizzes, slept in twice and got some crazy quiz madness tomorrow. I still have one 20 page chapter to read... before 4am.. A parking ticket i still have to pay. A class to petition. A professor to interview and two research papers to write in the next two weeks.. Its all in addition to getting in some devo time and making time for the frat. Working 20 hrs a week is killer too..
So here I am pulling my first all nighter... ill probably fall asleep on my desk in about an hour or so.. wake up early to get some caffeine and enjoy another day at state. Wooohoooo for being a student.
Dear God,
help me. Please.

nothing too profound

Sure, were all dead to sin.. but sin isn't dead to us. Lately I've felt crippled, ashamed and or afraid to move onto better things. I want so much for God to fill me up but I hesitate so much to be in his word. It's true that it is my nature to sabotage myself. We ask for blessings, but do we really want them? Pretty soon we get the mentality that we just can't do it... we have to screw up.. find an opportunity for it...

If we can't get past what holds us back the most, we wont miss out on God's blessings because he won't give them to us... but, we'll be so afraid to screw things up even more that we will be too ashamed or afraid to accept them. I wish I was dead to myself. If we all were, we could save ourselves alot of time and grief. yikes.

Up Beats & Beat Downs Continued...

Ok! Whoa! Reality check right now.
The last several days in this crazy life God has given me have been fun. No doubt, God has blessed me with some amazing things to partake in. AGO events since Thursday night have been awesome. ADX sisters are fun to be around, you can see the excitement in many a brothers eyes no matter how many of them might not want to admit that, but its there. Friday was good, I didn't have to miss guy hangout night after all. Playing soccer was cool and my new limp/ walking action is proof of my battle scar.. (most likely internal bleeding in my right foot.) Saturday morning with Kappa Delta brought back some feelings of deja vu. I haven't been to a kids carnival since I was like 10, but being on the other side of that booth can be just as fun. I like watching kid's dig ferociously through sand just to light up with excitement at the discovery of little tiny treasures they get to keep like plastic frogs, toy cars, candy.. you name it. Then immediately off to work I was...and back to the house ofter 7 hours of standing with a gimpy foot that still hurts. I would've gone to play apples to apples at the living room to but, alas, I discovered myself energy less.

Amidst the blessings God has given me in the last 72 hours, he still stretches me. I work on school work or I work too much, but I still feel its not enough.. Then I hang out with people who grace me with their presence.. though I love everyone of them, the fulfillment lasts only so long. I find myself suddenly unsatisfied and confused. Yet, it is here where God reminds me... there is a question I have to ask myself. "Have I been in the word lately? Where is God in all of this, when was the last time I listened or just spend time alone... with him?"

As much as i love everyone of my brothers and sisters, there is only so much I can do before I start to feel like something is lacking. Where is God, in all that I do? Do I look for salvation in people, or him? Ultimately the moral of this reality check is... The closer you want to be to God, the more he will convict you to pursue him. Without him acknowledged at all times, we will suddenly find ourselves empty, energetically lacking, and spiritually wanting. Amen.

Currently pondering:

Up Beats & Beat Downs

I remember a little Five Iron Frenzy's album title when I think about this Wednesday. Ive been really lacking in sleep lately to the point i'm feeling more and more laid back about skipping class. Though I haven't yet, the urge was certainly there this morning.. I didn't quite feel like getting up after only 4 hours of sleep to go to 8am devos, but I did anyway. The down side of it wasn't really the fact that I fought myself to wake up and get there, but I've now been officially initiated into the "I got a ticket for parking on Lindo Paseo" club. $65..

I'm not as pissed as I thought I'd be, but thats only because of God's grace. Without him and the financial blessings he's providing, I wouldn't even live in San Diego. So a parking ticket isn't a big deal... so long as i don't make the same mistake twice.. God's grace is an Up Beat in this life.

My next battle today was against those waves at mission beach. Those were some tough suckers to get past... so i decided to stick to the water... I'm so glad I didn't skip today like planned. Todays surfing was the best surfing i've had since I started this crazy semester.. seriously. So I think ill go again tomorrow.

Ahh... last but not least, almost 2 years ago in September, God blessed me with the most awesome college job I've ever had. I started in my home town, made some good friends, and now im down here still workin the same job just with different sets of people. I don't know, It's just something about Peet's stores and the people that work in them.. Its always crazy when you get people from Peet's to hang out outside their work environments.. somehow the buzz always comes to you. It was fun.. hanging out with the La Jolla peetniks... see you guys again.. in a few months maybe...

Psalm 107

10-29

"Some lived in deepest darkness, bound in cruel irons
because they defied the word of God,
spurned the counsel of the Most High.
He humbled their hearts through suffering;
they stumbled with no one to help.
In their adversity they cried to the Lord, and He rescued them from their troubles.
He brought them out of deepest darkness,
broke their bonds asunder.
Let them praise the Lord for His steadfast love,
His wondrous deeds for mankind,
For He shattered gates of bronze,
He broke their iron bars.

There were fools who suffered for thier sinful way,
and for their iniquities.
All food was loathsome to them;
they reached the gates of death.
In their adversity they cried to the Lord and He saved them from their troubles.
He gave an order and healed them;
He delivered them from the pits.
Let them praise the Lord for His steadfast love,
His wondrous deeds for mankind.
Let them offer thanksgiving sacrifices
and tell His deeds in joyful song.

Others go down to the sea in ships,
ply their trade in the mighty waters'
they have seen the works of the Lord
and His wonders in the deep.
By His word He raised a storm wind
that made the waves surge.
Mounding up to the heaven,
plunging down to the depths,
disgorging in their misery,
they reeled and staggered like a drunken man,
all their skill to no avail.
In their adversity they cried to the Lord, and He saved them from their troubles.
He reduced the storm to a whisper;
the waves were stilled."


Psalm 107.. is how I know God will rescue me.
No matter how stubborn i've been, how long
i have refused to listen and obey him...
When we feel like giving up, when we
feel that this 'christian' thing is something
we can't live up to anymore and were
ready to quit... God will hear us when we
cry out to him. He will rescue us.

Adventures in San Diego

So it seems that Spring Break is reaching it's end. My legs are exhausted, eye lids are droopy, but its all with a smile on my face. Some of us may not have gone on road trips, taken aeroplane rides or been to Disneyland, but we still had a blast.

Though the first Friday may not have felt like spring break, but Saturday night was worth it. Small trip up to Belly Up tavern @ Solana Beach to see the Avett Brothers play = best night in San Diego since... i can't remember when. Those guys are truly blessed with a passion for music and making crowds go crazy.. and being a great way to kick start this break. Hangin out @ ago w/ whoever didn't leave town paved possibility for spontaneous trips to wherever and back.. Downtown SD, Mistuwa... Mission Beach... Birch Aquarium and spying on seals was fun too.


However, Its all about the cheap stuff you can do..taking the fairy from Seaport Village to Cornado and enjoying a pleasant bike ride through the ritziest neighborhood in all of San Diego. It kinda brought back some nostalgia, you know.. those same feelings you got as child when you rode your bike past the golf course, past the yacht clubs and just through your rich parent's neighborhood.. all the stuff you might have done in your childhood if your parents were loaded... or not. Ah... theres much adventure yet to be had in San Diego..

Also. going to La Jolla a second time to visit the seals at 12.00am and frolicking in the sand, getting your pants wet is cool too. So is the fact that theres a 24 hr dine in taco shop called Santanas. where you can get a horchata at 3am..
OK. im exhausted and cant even think rigtht now. Its time for sleep... ive had a fun filled day and im not completely broke.. yet.

We're always fighting

Ugh.. So I this morning I woke up comfortable, feeling like I had a good nights rest but within seconds that feeling turned into one of disgust. I felt like I knew that sometime soon i was going to betray God again. NO!!! I wont let that happen today though. Despite all the things that make me want to quit today, all the tax junk I have to take care of, the doctors appointments I have to make, papers I have to edit, research I have to do.. all that disgusting stuff taking up time and money, I know I can't take the easy way out today. I already feel like a traitor because a part of me wants to live for itself right now, but NO.. for today... My life belongs to God!